One Moment In Time

It is taking me a little time to say something about Whitney Houston’s death.  I have been living in my head a lot lately and her death has my mind searching for a place of peace about it.

 I am a singer.  As a singer, I have always looked for songs that I could identify with, learn and perform.  More than being a singer though, I love music.  Good music.  One of my schoolmates used to call me Whitney at a point, which I was honored to be called.  I don’t think she ever called me by my name.  Now that the real Whitney has gone when I look back, I can remember all the moments that her music shaped my life.

It was One moment in time that taught me about dreaming for something bigger in life.  In addition, that song showed me how to place emotion into my vocal performance.  One of my best performances was singing that song at a graduation while pregnant with my first son.  I learnt that night that its very hard to breathe while performing when you are pregnant.

It was The Greatest Love of All that taught me about loving myself and it was the song that I won Music Radio 97’s Karaoke competition in 2005 after losing badly (ya’ll know that I am a sore loser) the year before.

It was Miracle in 1990 something that told me about a mother’s love and abortion though I would not understand it until my own son was born in 2006.  It taught me about the church and about judgmental views as another school friend sat next to me in a taxi as the song played.  It was the first time I had heard it and she said “that song is abortion, you know” Whether it was true or not, my eyes opened a little that day to the ways of this world, knowing that the church I grew up in could care less about Whitney Houston.

It was Saving all my love for you that the Sunday school teacher told us about how bad secular music was as this woman was singing about infidelity and unfaithfulness.  And while I never condemned Whitney for that song, I would never learn or perform it as it was not what I stood for or ever would want to sing about.

And it was I will always love you that an old boyfriend once told me that he would marry me if I could sing that song for him.  Funny thing is I never tried to sing it at that point.  Maybe subconsciously I knew he was not the one that I would marry even though I thought so at the time.  Too many people tried to sing that song that year and did very poorly at that too.  When I did learn the song, it was too outdated and over performed for me to want to sing it.

And It was I have nothing, that the was the wrong song the dj played at a competition I entered.  I had to go way down south to a bar for the show and when I cued the music the dj played the wrong track.  I knew the song but I wasn’t prepared to perform it.  One member of the audience said, “people need to stop singing these old Whitney Houston songs now, geez”.  And I did stop for some time, adding in Alicia Keys, Fantasia, Jennifer Hudson and now Adele.  I also learnt that night to beware of deejays; they could ruin your performance.

I did not stop singing I believe in you and me though, which I sang at many weddings including my own.  My manager at the time insisted that I sing that night and so I did with a soundtrack that I borrowed from Francis Prime who was the saxophonist for our wedding reception.

About a month ago, I purchased the soundtrack for I look to you.  Whitney Houston had finally started singing again.  Her troubled life was reflected in her voice, a sad vestige of her former glory but full of hope for better days.  I used to pray for Whitney Houston you know.  Laugh if you will but I knew that the God she served also heard my prayers and I had hoped and prayed that she would live and sing again.  And my prayers were answered and she sang I look to you in a key so low reserved for altos.  I would sing a lower range song when I had a cold and could not hit high notes very well.

And it was I look to you that got me through some of my darkest times in the recent past.  I would sit in the car, loop the song and cry all the way home from work.  I had been doing that for some weeks actually.  The final Friday evening I stopped in front of my gate, rest my head on the steering wheel and cried and cried.  I knew then that that was a situation I had to walk away from as it was becoming very toxic for me.

It’s those of us left behind that feel the sadness.  Maybe we may be being selfish, only thinking about what she meant to us.  What about what she meant to herself?  What about how much suffering she was going through?  I guess I am not so sad that she has died but that her last few years of life were such an awful battle.  The lives of these artistes really made me consider what price I was willing to pay to go the distance as a vocalist.  I have dreamt of going further with my music but I have also dreamt of having a happy marriage and family life.  I know that it can be done but I also know that nothing is free and I do not know what price I will have to pay to have it all.  Whitney Houston, supposedly had it all but in the end lost it all, marriage, family stability and her health.  Worse of all she lost her voice and then lost her life.  Her music will live on with me as I am sure it will all of us and so will the lessons I learnt through her music and her struggles.  May your soul rest in peace Whitney.